


One Last Kiss

by Mamogirl



Category: Backstreet Boys
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt, Grief, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Sort of ghost story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-07
Updated: 2017-06-07
Packaged: 2018-11-10 05:21:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,997
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11120751
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mamogirl/pseuds/Mamogirl
Summary: “Love is like the wind. You can’t see it but you can feel it.”A Walk to Remember, Nicholas Sparks





	One Last Kiss

One Last Kiss

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_“Fly on. One day I can fly next to you.”_   
_O, Ghost Stories, Coldplay_

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nick was still standing there, even when all the other people were gone after trying to get him back home with them. Nick had never raised his head up, never gave so much of a glance to those hands that had patted his back in something that wanted to be comforting; never heard those broken voices that had wanted to bring solace to his hurting and bleeding heart. Nick had stayed there, hands inside his jacket’s pockets and shoulders hunched down, as if he was trying to disappear. As if the last thing Nick wanted was to stand there, in front of a grave that shouldn’t even exist.

Nick still wanted to believe that it was just a bad dream. Nick still wanted to believe that it had been just a nightmare and then when he would wake up, everything would be back to normal: no tears, no pain. No loneliness. Not that hollow feeling that had started to build its nest inside his stomach, churning and churning in search of blood.

But it wasn’t. That was the hardest thing to accept: it was all real and he had to go on without anyone by his side.

Without _him_ by his side.

Nick swallowed back a cough of sorrow that had managed to climb upon his throat: he had made a promise, long before that day would come, and he didn’t want to break it. But loneliness had never been so defying and so utterly shattering, shaking him to his very core, wanting nothing more than making him stumble and fall on his knees.

Yet, Nick wasn’t really alone in that moment and in that sad place.    

A figure of a man quietly and silently walked over Nick, coming to stand by his side. Nick didn’t acknowledge his presence and, for a brief second, the man felt something that, once upon a time, would have been his heart clenching underneath a painful squeeze; he remembered, though, how it felt like and, once again, he asked himself why he couldn’t just disappear and be gone forever: watching Nick like that, knowing that he couldn’t do literally anything to comfort him and take his pain way, was just like torture.

Yet, he knew why he couldn’t just go yet. Because the truth was that he couldn’t leave Nick, not when they were still so linked and intertwined together. Because the truth was that he didn’t want to leave that boy, that man, without saying goodbye. Or without telling him how grateful and thankful he was, and would always be, for everything that Nick had done for him.

Nick had stood by him until his very breath, never stopped smiling at him with so much warmth and love that dying seemed like falling into a dreamless sleep.

Nick had stood by his decision, even if it meant knowing that he would never get his happy ending and his happily ever after.

Nick had just loved him and wasn’t that just the biggest and greatest gift someone could donate to another? It was only fair that he would give something back, anything that could mend those scars that he had, willingly and unwillingly, left on Nick’s heart and soul.

With a heavy sigh, he stood even closer to that still and unmoving figure. Once upon a time, his heart would have beaten faster and faster, a drumming echo that only wanted to underlining that pathos and tension for what was about to happen.

Not that time.

Or forever.

“I’ve never told you the truth, Nick. It was one of those things that I preferred keeping to myself, thoughts that scared me so much that it was best if no one knew about them. I didn’t want them to be real. I just wanted them to be gone, you know? – He asked Nick as if he could hear him, pausing to wait for whatever response could come from the boy. But Nick stayed silent, as if he hadn’t heard any words. But Nick stayed silent because he didn’t hear anything, only a bird singing upon a branch nearby. So the figure kept going on. – I’ve always knew I was living on borrowed time. I always knew that my heart was just a ticking bomb, waiting for the right time to explode. But I didn’t want you to be the one suffering the consequences. That’s my only one remorse. Because the truth is… the truth is that I don’t regret falling in love with you. I don’t regret fighting for what seemed so wrong but felt so damn right. I don’t regret those last months, nor do I regret my decision even though now I can’t be there with you.”

 His thoughts and memories were just a fuzzy mess, unfocused images where faces had no features and all the voices seemed to have been drowned out. Yet, he could remember a sense of peace; yet he could see bright and warm colors, as if the pain had just been something that could be easily forgotten. Yet he could definitely remember how Nick had been always with him, how they had been always together, holding each other and trying to make the best out of that grim situation.

The figure reached out, placing his hand upon Nick’s. He knew nothing was going to happen, how could it be when he wasn’t physically there anymore?

But something did happen.

Nick must had felt something because his whole body went rigid with tension while his face turned slightly towards his hand: Nick closed and opened it, as if he thought that something had fallen upon it, for it had only been a soft touch, the same weight of a caress of the wind. But it was a sunny day, blind and deaf in front of Nick’s plea for it to be sad and grey to match his soul and whatever was left of his heart.

Of course he couldn’t have that luck, how could it be when he had already lost his whole life?

But that gentle caress… that touch reminded him of when someone else’s would take and hold it, cradling like it was the most precious treasure in the whole world.

Who was gonna love him like that now?

And once again, like it had happened during the last painful days, a shot of blinding and furious anger crossed his mind. An anger than finally tore those layers of numbness that had been wrapped around Nick during that hard day.

“I hate you. It’s nothing new because there has been a time when I truly hated you because... well, you know why. You... you can be a dick sometimes. Oh. I should say that you were a dick sometimes. Fuck. Fuck! – The swearing came out with frustration, fist tightening up until a sharp pain ran through the nerves. So much for promising not to swear on that day! – I guess for today I can be forgiven, what do you think? It’s true, though. Sometimes you were a dick. Sometimes you were the most impossible person. And you... you made me so mad! So proud. So... you’ve always said that you were the most stubborn person I could ever meet. And you were. It irritated me. How many times did I have to fight you? How many times had I wanted to shake you until you could see what was waiting right in front of you? I hated you back then. I hated you because you promised me love, you’ve shown me love, and then you took it away because you were scared. You wanted to do the right thing and it took me years to understand why you hurt me so bad. It took me years to realize that you had hurt yourself too and I’m still not sure if you have forgiven yourself for that. I did, baby. I forgave you that night you came back to me. I should have told you this before…” The words were cut abruptly, a sob made its way past those barriers that Nick had tried to hold on to get through that day.

“I know. I didn’t think I deserved it, though. I hurt you and, yet, I still had you with me. How was it possible? How could it be real? So I tried so hard to make it up to you, I tried so hard to right that wrong but it never felt enough. It never felt like I did enough. I should have done more. I should have loved you more. You deserved so much more and, maybe, now you can finally have it.”

He had tried, he really did. If he could go back in time, he would have done it in a heartbeat, standing his ground when everyone had pushed him into a corner. But he couldn’t. And time... time had passed by so quickly afterwards, the two of them taking the world together, bathing into each other’s love and trying to put their past over their shoulders. And when time had started running out, when he had to come to terms to the fact that he was going to disappear soon, he had tried to offer those words to Nick. Those words that now where flying in the sky, Nick not being able to catch them and use them as a balm to soothe his aching soul.

“It was supposed to be our time now. It was supposed to be forever. Us together. Taking the world, showing everyone how wrong they had been and just be happy. And I was. I was so freaking happy because I had finally everything that I’ve always wanted: love. A family. You. You are... you are the best thing ever happened to me and I’ve learned so much. But I hate that you left me again. I know this time it wasn’t your fault. I know that you didn’t want to leave but it still hurts. It hurts and I don’t know if I will be okay again. You took a piece of my heart and... How can I find someone who would love me like you did? How can I find someone like you to love again? You were my sun. You were my everything. You pushed me to be the best that I could, you pushed me to cut those ropes that were still tying me to my past. I am what I am because I wanted to be that man for you, someone you could finally rely on. You made me so mad, you know? So stubborn. So focused on trying to reach that impossible high standard you set up for yourself, never forgiving yourself for your mistakes and falls. I know that, if you are still here, you would probably hate yourself for the mess you left behind but... – Nick took a big breath, although it came out trembling, filled with tears of pain and anguish. Nothing was going to be okay again, he knew that. And although it seemed like the right thing to do, saying those next words felt like putting an end. But Nick had to do it. _Always moving forward_ , wasn’t that what _he_ used to say? - … But it’s okay, Frick. You don’t have to worry anymore. Somehow I’ll be okay. Somehow it’s going to be okay until I’ll see you again. Just wait for me, okay? One day we’ll be together again. And I’ll be still that young kid who fell in love with his hero.”

Nick lowered his head, sobs finally being able to come out and leave in the air their heartbreaking sorrow: his shoulders trembled with those wrenching sounds that left Brian with a hollow soul, even if soul was all that left of him. Saying goodbye had never been so hard, never had been as difficult as it was in that very moment; hearing Nick saying goodbye to him was even harder, a choke that wouldn’t disappear no matter how hard he tried. He knew, deep inside, that it was time for both to move on, to move forward as he said so many times: he couldn’t stay down there, Earth wasn’t his place anymore but, at the same time, Brian didn’t want to leave Nick yet: he needed to be sure that he was going to be okay, he needed to know that he was going to be happy again, smiling and make everyone else smiling just like he did during his last days.

But it wasn’t Brian’s job anymore.

Brian slowly stood in front of Nick, placing a hand upon his cheek and offering a gentle caress that, to Nick, felt only like the touch of a wind that didn’t even breathed in that moment. Yet, it was a warm touch, that kind that reminded him of Brian’s caress happening out of the blue, like while they were sitting on the couch and watching something on the TV; or when they were locked up in that horrible hospital, sharing a bed that wasn’t made for two people but couldn’t really succeed into keeping them separated, and Brian would comfort Nick even if should have been the other way around.  

That caress felt like Brian’s and, although Nick did know that it wasn’t possible because Brian was... dead, he felt a small smile starting to curve his lips. He was going to miss all of that, the touches and the caresses, the small words whispered so softly and the laughter that echoed through the rooms; he was going to miss the way Brian’s body fitted so perfectly, how they fitted perfectly as if they were always meant to be together; he was going to miss his crazy antics, how he would spend a whole day cleaning and organizing the kitchen because he would always leave a mess behind him. And, strange as it might see, Nick was going to miss those last months: it might seemed strange, for they had knew that there wasn’t going to be another miracle this time; yet, those weeks and days had been able to make them closer and closer, empowering a love that had always been stronger and bigger than them.

Nick was going to miss how he had finally understood how it felt to be one. One heart. One soul. One being.

Nick was going to miss a part of his soul, the other half of a heart that had learned love only because it had been found and taught. But what most terrified him was the fear of waking up one day and realizing that he couldn’t remember Brian’s voice, nor the way his eyes would brightened up every time they were together and that light, so shining and so beautiful, that always lifted up Nick’s mood when he was having a bad day.  Nick didn’t want to be happy, he didn’t want to keep that promise made on Brian’s deathbed, if it meant forgetting about Brian.

Brian stood on his tiptoes, because being what he was in that moment, ghost or just a soul still waiting to cross over, didn’t erase that height difference that always existed between them. And, if he had to be honest, he always loved it, maybe because it had always been a sort of safe port where he could hide when everything felt wrong and too confusing.

Could ghosts cry?

Brian didn’t know, yet, he felt like he could do it right in that moment. He would never forget that boy that had been part of him for more than half of his life; he would never forget the hurt and the pain, the confusion and the stubbornness that, no matter what, had shaped them into a better version of themselves; he would never forget how it felt when those blue eyes, now filled with so much pain, anguish and desperation, would look at him with so much love, desire and need.

Brian reached up, then, and brushed his lips against Nick’s one last time. He didn’t taste anything and a pang of disappointment made itself appear even though it was just an empty echo of that feeling. Yet, he could remember what he was supposed to feel: Nick’s soft lips, the way they always carried a sweet aroma, even when he hadn’t eaten anything; the way they would turn a bright shade of red, how they would always made Brian feel like he could live forever like this, kissing Nick and not giving a damn about the world around him.

“I’ll miss you. – Brian whispered softly upon those lips. – And I’ll wait for you. I’ll see you up there because this isn’t certainly a goodbye. But be happy, my Frack. Don’t stop loving just because I’m not here anymore.”

Brian took a step back. And another. And another until he could feel the sun passing through him, until his surroundings became blurry and Nick was just a figure standing beside an old oak tree. Nick had his face raised to the sky, a smile that was a sharp contrast with those tears streaming down, a finger upon his lips as if he had felt that kiss. Maybe he did, maybe a part of him really believed that Brian had been there, kissing him one last time. Or maybe it had been just the wind, an invisible breeze that had shaped itself into a sort of loving caress, a reassurance that everything was going to be alright.

Not now, not the day or the month after.

Maybe it was going to take years before it would be alright, a new normality because Nick knew he would never be that man ever again. But it was okay, in a way. It was okay because today he hadn’t really said goodbye to Brian.

They would meet each other again.

“See you again, Frick. Somewhere over the rainbow. I’ll always love you.”     

**Author's Note:**

> Oh my God, I did it.  
> I killed Brian. LOL  
> I really don't know where this story really came from, I just had this imagine of Brian kissing Nick before crossing over and, instead of keeping it somewhere, I've decided to actually try and write a death!fic.


End file.
